Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Dear Diary... WTF!

I don't know where to begin. We're living through an unprecedented pandemic unseen in my lifetime or even my parents lifetimes. It's scary and confusing, and honestly I want to just be at the end of it now. I want to be looking back and saying "gosh do you remember that time? It was horrid wasn't it! But we're better for it now". I just can't see how or when we will get there. I know logically that this too shall pass. I guess we seem to be at the beginning and if other countries are anything to go by its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. We just don't know when.

The truth is, I'm frightened.

The waiting is crippling, not that I'm wishing it on, the more days we have to get in control the better, but the waiting really messes with the mind and makes people feel less in control. I think that's partly why theres so much panic buying and hoarding, it helps people to feel more in control of an uncontrollable situation. Supermarkets have been stripped bare, and social media judgement is rife. Don't go out, don't stay in and make people feel bad, don't talk about the virus, don't be negative, don't be over positive and on and on and on. It comes from a place of fear and uncertainty but it breeds further fear and uncertainty.

My office was open on Tuesday after the government advised people to work from home if they could, I was genuinely worried about saying anything about going into London for work on the Tuesday lest I be attacked for it. I did not want to be in London, I did not want to put myself and more importantly, those more vulnerable than me at risk. But I also need my job, and so I went to do my job. Today was our trial work from home day and we received an email this evening to say working from home will continue until further notice. Maybe that's why I'm feeling it more today than I have done. It's a bit more real when you are told you are not allowed to go to your office. The internet has always been my escape, and now I turn to it to empty my brain of my concerns, perhaps not making any sense, but getting a sort of cathartic release from writing.

I hoped that somehow if I kept writing I would circle into something more positive and uplifting, but it hasn't happened.

If the above is anything to go by, our physical resilience may get us through this, but in the meantime we all need to work on our mental resilience. I say we, I'm lumping you all in with me, perhaps you are fine, but if not, I get it, I'm with you. It's time to buck up and focus on all the positives in life.

I am fortunate to have a garden with daffodils blooming, a sign of sunnier warmer days to come. I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to work from home, so although I am frightened with everyone else, I do not have the financial worry of not being able to make ends meet. I have wonderful friends and family to lean on (digitally) and a wonderful fiancé to share my home. It's time to end this pity party I've been throwing and get on with life.



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