Tuesday, 24 March 2020

Dear Diary - The Hunger Games or The House Goblin Challenge?

The government announced lockdown last night. I hate that term "lockdown" it sounds negative, frightening, it evokes images of some dystopian hunger games like novel where angry law enforcers patrol the street ready to attack you for taking your one walk a day and then steal your first born as payment for your crime!

I'd rather it was called National Three Week Duvet Day or The House Goblin Challenge, the rules remain the same but doesn't that sound more inviting? The news is full of terms like "frontline" and "enlisted" theres so many war references and it's driving me mad! I know they just want people to take it seriously and many people still don't seem to get it. But for the vast majority we do get it and the nervous pit in our stomach, the wrench we feel when we see our grandparents name pop up on our phone and are convinced they're phoning to say they have it, that feeling is made all the worse by the constant World War II rhetoric that, particularly the media, seem to get off on right now. Being trapped at home is bad enough for everyones mental health, can we not just have a break from the minute by minute updates, not even updates! Speculation and analysis by expert after expert after expert of one tiny minutia of detail within Boris Johnsons speech.

I woke up this morning feeling sick with anxiety, I came downstairs made a cup of tea had a little cry, and tried to focus on what I can control. What small part of my future I can plan, that these restrictions don't have any baring on. I can go through my recipe books and pick some new recipes I want to try that I've never made the time for before, I can start a new 30 days of yoga challenge that I've never been able to finish because I get busy and don't prioritise it. I can keep practicing curling my hair with GHD's for my wedding (that I am hoping will still go ahead in October). They're all very small things, pretty inconsequential, but no matter how small, taking back some control in my life, being able to make plans, giving myself some certainty even if it is just which yoga YouTube video I will be doing tomorrow, have all given me a little piece of calm. The anxiety is still there, but the sickness and the panic is gone.

In a somewhat bitter twist of fate, at the beginning of the year I said that I felt I had spent hardly any time at home in 2019 and this year I wanted to say no a little bit more. I wanted to prioritise having no plans and just enjoying being at home. The universe must  have been pissing itself laughing, I guess the old adage is true, be careful what you wish for.


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